Anyone dealt with suicide?
As I look back on my life, I have come to realise that my life is a story book. Every story has a beginning, a middle and an end. My life story has now put me into the end and I thoroughly believe that I am approaching the final chapter.
I will explain. The beginning of my life story. The examples used are only a few, the list is not exhaustive.
When I was a child, I was born into a life with abusive parents. My dad was horrible and sometimes my mum. I was deaf and nobody knew, I often got hit by my parents, shouted at by teachers and given a hard time as everyone thought I was being naughty. It was because I was deaf and eventually treated. Growing up through childhood, I was always the last one to be picked for teams in the playground. I was always bullied in school and never had any friends. I never had any girlfriends. At secondary school, I was bullied every day and even had my nose smashed against a metal bannister resulting in my nose looking how it is.
I was always given a hard time at home, told if a bully hits me, I should hit back and if I didn't, my dad would punish me. When I hit my bullies at school, I was given detention for fighting resulting in me being punished at home for being in trouble at school. I felt like I couldn't win, no matter what I did so I just had to learn to live with it. Often just taking abuse and keeping it from everyone as not to have more trouble when I finished school.
I always had bad luck at everything I did. If I played a raffle or did something which was 50/50, I would always be the one who lost. Every opportunity to lose would always happen to me. I noticed it and often acknowledged it but never focused on it. I carried on living a life of chance and more than likely, being on the negative side of things.
I started to notice that I was always the negative thing in anything that happened. I started to address the fact that I was always the "unlucky one" and often found myself questioning if there is any point to taking part in anything. When Doctors addresses my ailments, they'd always say I am just unlucky. This was the last chapter of my beginning.
I now move onto the middle of my life story, "acceptance".
After falling victim to chance always, I often found myself asking why does any chance of negativity in anything always happen to me? If there is any chance of negativity, it will happen to me no matter what. I often found myself questioning why I could never find friends or why I never won at anything. I started to address myself as a U.F.L (Ugly Freak Loser). Everytime something bad happened, I would say to myself: "of course it would happen to me, it is because I am an ugly freak loser". I started to find sarcasm in life, saying "I bet I am the unlucky one today in this activity, oh I am, there's a surprise NOT". I would start predicting on that I would fail tasks and get a hard time and when it happened, I would say to myself: "of course you failed, you are the UFL, the natural negative".
I even placed bets with myself that I would be the unlucky one in a 50/50 draw and it would happen. I started to address myself as the "natural negative". I started feeling like there's a natural balance. Good/bad, lucky/unlucky, attractive/unattractive, loved/unloved, happy/sad etc. I started to realise that I was always meant to be the negative side of life and accepted that my life path had already been drawn out for me, that I was meant to be a negative so someone else can be a positive.
I joined the Navy despite being told by my bullies and dad that I never would pass. I got 11 GCSEs grade A-C, I accomplished what nobody believed I would. I for once in my life felt like a millionnaire, I proved to everyone including myself that I did it. I felt like I was worth something. I had to leave after 6 years due to ill health (hypermobility). I was planning on moving to Australia with a long distance girlfriend but that dream never turned into reality and our relationship came to an end.
I was back to how I felt all my life, like a loser. There I was going from job to job, bullied at Orange. Facing redundancies and feeling like I had failed in life again. I accepted that I went "against" my life map by joining the Navy. By doing something that made me happy, by accomplishing what seemed to be the unbelievable, I had pissed off my destiny. Life got its own back on me by penalising me with ill health. I was punished for being happy and proud for the first time in my life. By being a positive person, I had gone against what life had mapped out for me.
I accepted that I was wrong to be a happy man. I accepted that fate had a plan drawn out for me to be negative always and life would always punish me if I strayed away from that path (positivity). I had accepted that I was destined to be miserable.
I met my wife C and we made our son J. Again, I was happy and felt like I accomplished something. My dad used to say to me that he didn't know what the Navy seen in me. He used to say to me that I will never find a girlfriend, he used to say that I am a loser still living at home with parents when I should be married with kids. I was then punished by life again by doing jobs that bullied me and made me unhappy. I was punished through further ill health like chronic migraines, cluster headaches and general hypermobility issues. My ill health continued to affect my quality of life until it all got too much and I started to realise that suicide is what destiny has got planned for me.
This takes me onto the final section of my life story = the end.
So, after accepting that I was a natural negative, I realised that life only had one more thing for me to do to complete my story and that was to end my life. I found it a comfort and a relief to think about ending it all. I often found myself thinking that my negativity is affecting all who I know and I genuinely feel my son J would be better off with a better dad and my wife C would be better off with another husband who would be better than me. Many would disagree with my thoughts but they have not been with me for the last 34 years, they don't know how I feel as there is just no point trying to rectify my life. I often used to tell my wife that I have a bad luck curse. She always got positive luck whereas I got bad luck. She is a natural positive and opposites attract. That is how we found love I believe. I believe my bad luck is rubbing off on her, making her unhappy. We would both play online bingo with a free fiver for joining. She ended up winning £40 - £80 and I won nothing for example. Now she has anxiety where she never used to. She has resulted in self harm and often seems negative.
I feel so strongly that we are meant for divorce and this is because life again, is punishing me for being happy. There was a spell where I resarched suicide and I spent weeks researching how to do it. I planned to take a disposable BBQ to the moors, light it, wait for the coal to go grey and put it in the car. Take lots of whiskey with painkillers and drift off to sleep, never to wake up. I even planned the finer details such as placing a cool patch on my neck so the heat won't distract me. Sealing the vents with tape to ensure I die. For those few months of planning to take my life, it seemed that the bad luck had subsided, that life was giving me a break. Good things started to happen and it felt that I had pleased my life path by accepting that I had to die. I felt like life knew I was planning on killing myself so it backed off giving me a hard time.
I even planned failsafes to ensure I would definately die. I made my playlists on my phone so I had calming peaceful music to listen to while I die. I felt like I was meant to always be lonely. Even with my wife, I still felt lonely. I knew I had to die, cold and alone like life wanted me to. For me, suicide seems to be my release from it all. The final chapter of my story. I often found comfort and peace of mind when I was planning suicide.
I even planned on going to a nearby bay in the winter, going in the sea, drinking a bottle of whisky, taking lots of diazepam and sitting on a rock dying of hypothermia. I researched this method over many months. Spurred on by news reports that homeless men had froze to death in Birmingham and up north. The diazepam would relax my muscles so the shivering wouldn't be so intense thus bringing me into stage 2 hypothermia. The alcohol and meds reducing my heart rate so the blood wouldn't protect my organs that well. The cold wet skin in the wind would ensure I get too cold. My plan was to fall asleep and die. Cold and alone like I am meant to be.
I sought help, I contacted my GP and told him about my depression and suicidal thoughts. I knew suicide is the selfish thing, a cowards way out but it feels so right like life is encouraging me to do it. I am taking anti depressants and doing CBT but still, suicide feels right. I had an impulse thought to go in the lift at work and jump off the roof. It didn't just feel right in the head but my gut feeling made it feel definately like the right thing to do.
I am still being given a hard time in life and I feel deep down like I know what I must do. That is to take my life and bring my story to an end. I feel that by seeking help with depression, I have further offended my destiny. I feel like by avoiding suicide, my destiny is getting annoyed and will punish me and punish me until I am forced to do it. I feel like destiny is forcing me into that direction like an adult bird that pushes the chick over the nest so it has no choice but to fly. I feel like destiny is going to hammer me and hammer me until I take the leap of faith and take my life. To me, suicide is the answer. To me, I have finally accepted my fate and I need to close my life book. I need to complete the final chapter.
Whether it is tomorrow, 3 months time or 3 years. Who knows but I do know that life is constantly pushing me in that direction and it feels so right that it is what I need to do. When I plan my suicide deeply, it seems like the bad luck withdraws slightly. That tells me that life is saying 'you need to do this', if you don't, I will punish you until you can't take any more and just do it. It seems that life as a good will gesture, is happy for me to plan how I do it. It doesn't care how I do it, as long as the mission is fulfilled.
I believe that destiny has had it planned for me all my life. I never believed in karma but now I do. I however, do a good deed like buy a hot breakfast for a homeless person but something bad will happen when karma should reward me. For example, my dad gave me an arctic sleeping bag that was left behind by a serviceman, it was in our spare room for a year, unused. At my work place, there was this homeless guy, he was really polite and pleasant and it was our coldest winter for decades. He had a wet pink blanket so I gave him the sleeping bag that was unused. I also bought him a Macdonalds breakfast and sat with him for a while yapping. I told my dad what I did and he shouted at me, calling me ungrateful, a waste of space and embarrased me in front of my wife. Karma rewarded me with a negative attitude.
When I had our so and my dad visited us in the maternity ward, I was expecting my dad to say he was proud of me. We drove to KFC to get some food and we just stood there arms crossed and no conversation. My brother and sister were congratulated and I was expecting the same but it never happened. I felt uncomfortable and felt like I was being a burdon. It just felt like a mundane task. There was me waiting for the proud dad speech and I never got it. This is the same dad who told me when I was young that the family were happy before I came along. We did a family holiday in Butlins Minehead and I was acting up. I remember eating some pizza and not eating ut properly, my dad was sat opposite me staring violently at me. Some pizza dripped onto the table and he tutted and looked away then erupted. Just started yelling at me and my mum stepped in telling him to calm down. Me, my brother and sister were sent to bed and had to listen to them arguing. Proper shouting. He opened my bedroom door and shouted at me "you've ruined this family and holiday, I hioe you're happy". He said he is going home and will pick us up at the end. He would often be really nasty to us and say sorry afterwards, giving me a cuddle thinking that would solve it.
So all in all, I feel my life is pointless and I feel deep down like those I know will be much better off without me. Life wants me to die. If there was one question I could ask, it would be why won't life just kill me if it wants me dead so much?. A car crash, a mugging, a terrorist incident etc. I believe it wants me to die and have the shame associated to it. It wants me to die and be remembered afterwards as a selfish, worthless coward.
I now know what I must do. That is to take my life and end my story. This is what I must do. It feels instinctively and naturally what must be done. I must take my life and am now looking at the exit bag method. Card factory and Argos sell helium canisters for £20 - £30. Buy 2 with some hose from a DIY store. Make an exit bag and all I have to do is exhale sharply, pull the bag down, pull the seal chord and breathe in. No struggle, no pain, I will loss consciousness and death in minutes. A peaceful, painless end to a life of misery. The book will be completed.
I tried using the Royal British Legion but they just tell you to see if our GP or give you the samaritans number. This isn't a cry for help as I have made my decision but do any other veterans feel similiar?